Dear You-Know-Who—

I believe it was Justin Bieber who once asked: Is it too late now to say sorry? I can’t tell you his conclusion because I have not listened to the whole song. I mean, I’ve started the song and it’s come to an end, but the mind wanders. That said, after a quick search, it seems like J.B. left the issue vaguely unresolved. To me, that sounds unsatisfying and dumb. So I kept searching and those on the internet that say they know assure me: it is generally never too late to say sorry. This teaches us the answer you’re looking for is out there if you’re just willing to look.

Now, I don’t usually take my etiquette cues from a man with tattoos on his face. I’m willing to break this rule because I like the question. Is it, in fact, too late? Indeed, I will now take the question further and ask: Is it too late now to say thank you?

This is the power of the pen. I know the answer before I’ve even picked it up. No, man, it is not too late. It is never too late to say thank you. Justin Bieber, the man with a few tattoos on his face, said so.

Indulge me a few specifics.

We stayed in your home. We ate your food. We drank your drinks. We borrowed your car. We were chauffeured to and from the airport—by you! We were pampered with manicures, then entertained with cannoli and hair braiding lessons. Also, unless I imagined it, you even own a pretty fat cat. Not pretty as in attractive—pretty as in a modifier for the word fat. So this pretty fat cat, which our littlest one followed around relentlessly, was occasionally rewarded for her efforts and, a few times, even managed to pet the thing. Then she ran away. I suppose true happiness is fleeting.

Which is a long way of saying, we are grateful to have you as our friends, as loved ones, as our extended family. So we say, now, a bit on the tardy side, THANK YOU!

Now, some may ask: what took so long? Didn’t we visit in early June? Isn’t it now early August? Others may add, isn’t it mid-August? To which I would reply: did anyone demand a timeline for when Justin Bieber was finished with the thing he should have apologized for? I don’t know. I haven’t listened to the words. I guess it’s more of a vibe. But I imagine he wasn’t quite ready to say sorry. He spent a period of his life… not ready to say sorry. Until, one day, he was ready to say sorry.

And so, too, it is with us. We were grateful then. But we couldn’t say it then because then you wouldn’t have this long, extended why-is-this-in-the-paper THANK YOU? I guess this is sometimes the way with people with tattoos on their face. And artists in general. They’re a little weird.

But to the small children in the house who welcomed us and, more importantly, our even smaller children we brought to the house, I must add a bit of unsolicited advice. 1) some people (like Larry David) believe if you’re making a tuna salad sandwich, you don’t need to add mayo to the bread. But I personally think that depends on how much mayo is in the salad part. 2) If a phone’s ringing, you don’t need to yell “PHONE,” unless you’re going for a joke, and; 3) advice is a giver’s present. John Steinbeck said so.

So, again, I didn’t listen to the words in Bieber’s song but I will assume he had a good excuse. I do, too. The dog ate my homework.

I agree. It’s not ideal. But I think we can all agree it’s a placeholder.

And from this placeholder we must jump—no Leap— to the end.

In the words of Justin Bieber: I’m sorry. Which, um, isn’t perfect here because I’m not exactly sorry—I’m grateful.

But I am sorry Justin Bieber never wrote Is It Too Late Now to Say Thank You? Because that would’ve saved me a lot of time.

With gratitude, non sequiturs, and Bieber,

You Know Who