by Rob Perez

Phishing Season

Every so often, my phone buzzes—and it’s not a pal, not a loved one, not Ted from accounting asking if he can expense a banana. It’s a stranger. A phisherman, casting a line. It’s not my neighbor Phil who fishes for fish with esoteric lures, bless him.

As most know, Phishing is a scam where someone pretends to be someone else and fishes for your money. It’s spelled with a “ph” because back in the 1970s, a group of telephone hackers called phone phreaks wanted their name to be phonetically and visually alliterative. You know, because they’re cool like that. It was so cool it stuck and to this day, when someone goes fishing for your credentials, it’s called phishing.

Let the phishermen phish, I say. I just want them to be better at the craft. Right now, it’s just a generic, slipshod, poorly punctuated, English-as-a-second-language effort. I get texts like: Are you free for diner(sic)? Do you like my new number? We’ve seen each other at least once, right?

I would never ever, under any circumstances respond to anything so, well, dumb.

But what if, instead of phoning it in with: Do you remember me? They brought a little pizazz to the party. What if I got a text that said: Are you there God, it’s me? When I respond to that, I’m now the voice of God. I know He is very good at punctuation but does He use all caps? Italics? Emojis? If someone has their phone silenced, does He notify anyway?

What if, instead of: Are you busy? They brought a little savoir faire to the thing and asked: Would you rate your intelligence as world class, superhuman, otherworldly, or other? You see, some questions practically demand an answer. (A: World class, obviously)

What if, instead of: Want to meet up? They asked something truly important like: Is Egyptian blue really just cobalt? Because that’s a question I’ve been thinking about a lot anyway and there’s a chance the right answer might win me a Nobel Prize.

Instead of a dumb question like: Are you there? (Of course, I’m here!) they asked a smart one like: Do you buy Heidegger’s reading that Aristotle’s good life isn’t about happiness, but about being? The thing I love about this question is that my answer has a fifty-fifty chance of sounding deep.

In lieu of: Can I send w/rk info? (Why abbreviate a letter with a symbol?) They asked: Did you ever figure out that whole one hand clapping sound? I think whoever asked that question would definitely want to know that I’m still working on it.

Instead of I’m Violet here to check in on a possible role (bad grammar, weird premise), they asked: “They say the British band Wet Leg is indie rock but don’t you think it has a lot of punk influences, too?” I’d text back immediately: I’ve been saying exactly that since their first album!

Rather than Hello,How are you doing today?🙋‍♀️😊 (bad spacing, capitalization, and emojis), they asked: Can I expense a banana? I mean, because that’s a question! For all I know, that’s the question. And you know who’s going to really love that question? Ted in accounting.

I’m not naïve. People have been trying to scam humans since the dawn of time. I just want their phishing expeditions to be a little weirder. A little surprising-er. I’m looking for more skill, nuance, art. I really want a scam to breathe. Because when the scams are better, the marks are better. And, in a way, everybody wins.