by Rob Perez

The Dewey Decimal System

I make a lot of jokes here at Beyond Reason. Some are at the expense of the game of pickleball. Some are the expense of the pickleball players. While I do try to make other jokes about other topics—bugs, potato salad, and, of course, gourds—heretofore, I’ve never attempted a single joke about the Dewey Decimal System.

Am I really afraid of cracking a few jokes about the Dewey Decimal System? Do I fear the degree of difficulty in making fun of something as sacred as the Dewey Decimal System? I am not. And I am not. This is merely an oversight that will be corrected directly.

I know some people might be asking: Isn’t the Dewey Decimal System something we used when we went to the middle school library?

That is correct.

As I will now call it, the DDS is a numerical system used by most libraries to organize books by subject. That way, when you’re looking for a book on the mating rituals of the slippery newt, you might find something you weren’t looking for—but just as fascinating—like a book on the mating rituals of the elegant llama.

These Dewey numbers start at 000 and go all the way to 999. You might wonder: Why don’t the numbers start at just 0? I don’t know. You’d have to ask Melvil Dewey. Which I did. And he said: The DDS needs three numbers. You might ask: Isn’t 001 just 1? You might think so. Melvil, however, did not.

So, when you look up Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, or Chupacabra, you will want to look at 001.944. Is that clear? No? Well, too bad. Please put that book on the Mongolian Death Worm back and let’s move on.

The DDS has ten sections.

000—099: General Works, Computer Science, Information

If you think that sounds, um, well, a little vague… that is the understatement of the century. This section is the junk drawer of the DDS. It has everything from UFOs to almanacs to conspiracy theories. Now please put that book written in 1986 about MS-DOS down and let’s keep going.

100—199 Philosophy and Psychology

Other than the fact that both take themselves very, very seriously, I’m not sure why they’re in the same category. Philosophy considers the profound questions of existence and assumes humans are very smart. Psychology considers the profound questions of why humans are, in fact, so very dumb.

200—299 Religion

Provided your religion is Christianity. All other religions that are not Christianity—Islam, Buddhism, Judaism, etc.—are shoved into the tiny, afterthought, nothing-to-see-here end of the section.

300—399 Social Sciences

Most comedy writers lack the dexterity, mental acuity, and courage to even attempt a Social Sciences joke because, well, it’s hard. And I’m with them. That’s why we’re moving on to…

400—499 Languages

It starts with general linguistics, moves to formal linguistics, plows through all the world’s languages—living and dead—and ends where everything might end: Esperanto.

500—599 Science

Math, physics, chemistry, geology, biology—formerly known as facts, now taught as “one possible worldview.”

600—699 Technology

Not computers, not smartphones, not AI, not how to split an atom. This “technology” involves duct tape, a socket wrench, and a Dutch oven. The get-’er-done section—where you can learn how to fix a leak, build a birdhouse, or manifest a quiche.

700—799 Arts and Recreation

From Monet to Mozart, from ballet to baseball, from paint-by-numbers to ping pong. And, of course, clown makeup.

800—899 Literature

Fiction. Poetry. Drama. A.k.a. Other people’s problems. The people are made up. The problems are made up. And we read them for pleasure.

900—999 History and Geography

Real people with real problems. Also, travel brochures.

In the end, we now know that the Dewey Decimal System is not quite as funny as the game of pickleball. Certainly not as funny as a pickleball player. But the DDS is objectively funnier than the Social Sciences. For that, we say, “Thank you, Melvil. Thank you”